[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I have many caverns
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.