I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
You Might Also Like
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
what could possibly go wrong?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”