*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.