dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
i meant to share this earlier
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”