A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Gemma Correll
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.