Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.