Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.