I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool