[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?