[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.