I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*weighs self after shaving
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds