Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You Might Also Like
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
What even happened today?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation