I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?