Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.