My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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I love you…
…r dog.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Said the murderer.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit