That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident