Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You Might Also Like
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry