Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.