ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
This makes total sense…
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…