Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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Employees must applaud the planets.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
That de-escalated quickly
2023 was just a warmup
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain