On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.