Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Ha
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.