I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.