I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You Might Also Like
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel