At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.