It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
kitchen magnet
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.