Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
584.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.