[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more