I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid