This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.