When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Only short people can save us
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”