There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
found this cool rock hiking today
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.