How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.