TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Did my cat write this
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.