“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?