Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR