Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
this is the greatest thing ever
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.