Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
They’re not wrong
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Message from the dog groomers
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive