poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic