My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.