My favorite female superhero
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.