It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah