[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me when i see my girls butt
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*limbos away from your hug*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.