[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”