the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.