Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I need this for my side hustle.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit