When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.