Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening