If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Nomnomnomnom
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Leaving the Barbers like
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR