I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*pronounces UPS like yoops
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.